please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
