tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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