do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
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