Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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