I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
