i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Randomize
