I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
I forget how to act sober
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
