garbage
garbage dick
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you win
Screwed.edu
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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