The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
You pole danced in your parka.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
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