My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
