mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
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