i think my tv is drunk
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
