Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
