I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I stole a fireplace last night.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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