I faked an abortion last night.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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