He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
