Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
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