woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
we're so committed to being not committed
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
