do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Randomize
