Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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