after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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