I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
