I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
we made out on top of his cat.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
