oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
