Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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