I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Randomize
