Betty ford says i'm here all night
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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