WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
