can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Randomize
