Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
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