I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
She told me I should be a condom model.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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