My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize