Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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