I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Randomize