I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
That accounts for only three of the penises
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
