my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Randomize
