Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
