It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
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