It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
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Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
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I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
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