Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
