pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Randomize
