I just saw a hot homeless man
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
