I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
