He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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