just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
