Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
