Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Randomize
