I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
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