life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
