Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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