you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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