Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Randomize
