I just made out with a guy for $7.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
