he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Randomize
